Monday, March 23, 2009

What's Next for Schilling?


Now that everyone's favorite Red Sox is done with baseball (for now). I can only wonder at what Curt is going to do with all of his free time. All that talent will be used, but for what? Here is a short list of things he should attempt in his future:

10.) Mall Cop- Everyone knows that the position of mall cop is on the rise. Not only is this position a good way for Curt to let off some steam; there is nothing that Curt loves more than a stern verbal (possibly physical) warning to the hoodlums who roam his consumer kingdom.

9.) Heinz Spokesperson- Now we all know that Curt is a strong supporter of Heinz. I am thinking of a full ad campaign, naked, or as close to naked as National TV can go. I am thinking the Dove Women ad but with Curt, horizontal. Will it be sell ketchup? Hell Yes.

8.) Karl Rove Apprentice- We all know that Curt is an unabashed right winger and supporter of the Republican Party, so who better to learn from than Karl Rove? And if Curt and Karl don't get along, I'm sure the Fox News team has a spot waiting for him.

7.) Border Patrol Vigilante- Anything with Vigilante in the title appeals to Curt's selective skill set, but Border Patrol jumps out because of the perks. No rules, so abuse is no problem. Curt can harass minorities with virtually no regulation, and you get a sweet badge. Also the thrill for working for your country and giving jobs back to blue collar Americans!

6.) Disgruntled Postal Service Employee- One of the requirements for working at the Post Office is to have something long shoved up your ass, Curt has this and more. This will also give Curt control over everyone's mail, the Newman complex.

5.) NY Post Headline Writer- This is a dream job, but takes true skill, not just anyone can come up with gems such as A-HOLE. Just think of the headlines, if this is his choice I will be signing up for a lifetime subscription.

4.) Commissioner of Baseball- Curt has a lot of opinions, and should know a little something about baseball after twenty years in the bigs. As Bud Selig approaches his mid-hundreds, who better to succeed him? Curt will lead the crusade against steroids (which he surely never used as a member of the Phillies in the early 1990's), and govern MLB with an iron fist.

3.) Professional Eater - Curt has never been a svelte man, so why not take it a step further? Given his ever-increasing weight over the last few years and the competitive spirit that comes with being a World Champion, Curt could be a real threat to Joey Chestnut's crown.

2.) Satan - The Prince of Darkness, what characteristic doesn't Schilling possess?

1.) Sports Broadcaster- Few people love to hear themselves talk more than Curtis Montague Schilling, and who wouldn't love to hear Curt explain why Josh Becket is the epitome of athleticism and A-Rod will never win a championship? I can only imagine the possibilities of a World Series booth containing Joe Buck, Tim McCarver, and Curt himself.